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weird dream [25 Aug 2007|01:05pm]

I had this dream in which I was in college, still sharing a room with my (now ex) boyfriend.  We had broken up in the dream and it was weird.  I saw a whole bunch of old friends whom I haven't talked to in a long time.  It was my sixth year in college and I had been taking the same classes for several years with no real progress.  I thought I should just drop out since I wasn't making any headway here.  But I knew Chickenmonkeyboy would be really upset if I left him, even though we had broken up.  Maybe I should just carry on and try to finish school.

It felt like--unresolved stuff; also, like that Greek guy in hell who has to carry a boulder up a hill and he always drops it just before he gets to the top and it rolls all the way back down.  In other words, no progress.  Stuck.  Stuff to finish.

I'd like to get back on track.  Was I ever really "on track" ?

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stuff [12 Apr 2007|09:30am]
I'm breaking up with the boy.  I wish I wasn't.  He's so wonderful.  I have no complaints about him, other than that we obviously want different things in a relationship right now.  I want more closeness.  I want someone to be there for me and help me heal, because I'm still pretty insecure.  I still need to learn how to really love myself.  If I'm in a close relationship right now I need to be with someone who understands that and is willing to help me.  Otherwise I'm not ready for a sexual relationship.  Sex stirs up so many intense emotions that I need to just be able to be present and witness, and let go, and not feel abandoned or like I don't have enough time or the person I'm with doesn't care.  I only feel slightly like that with him; he is really kind, affectionate, caring, and respectful, but it's obvious that he needs a lot more time to himself and to do other things than he does with me, and I always feel like I'm chasing after him.  I don't like that at all.  It will only lead to more hurting if it continues this way.  I want to allow him to do what's best for him right now, without trying to saddle him with anything he doesn't want to deal with.  And I don't want to inflict upon myself the anguish of chasing someone who isn't interested.  I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who would be interested and capable, and I deserve that; and I'm fine without someone, anyway.


Fantasy.  Fiction.  Myths.  Stories.  Where do they fit into life?  What use are they to us?

Many times I've lost myself in worlds of fantasy that turn to delusion, blinding me from facts of the physical world and relationships.  Which leads to me being hurt because things turn out differently from how I expected, based on my fantasy world.

For instance, I have often made up ideas about what other people are thinking and feeling, and sort of expected them to act accordingly; mostly, they don't, which confuses me.

But it doesn't seem real, either, to write off and discard stories.  Human beings were born with the capacity for creating stories.  It must serve some practical function.  Why does every culture, everywhere, have fundamental myths and stories?  How can I use this part of me that's been so fundamental to my identity for so long to improve my life, rather than to close myself in a prison of delusion?

Sometimes instead of just making up a story in my head, I feel or sense a larger story, not just originating from my mind, which meshes with what's actually happening physically and emotionally, to me and everyone around me.

It's hard to accept that story sometimes.  It can be painful.  It's hard for me to accept emotional pain and just let it be as it is.  I want to control circumstances so that they no longer induce that pain.  I make up other stories and pretend they're true, hoping that way to cause things to be happy for me.  It's hard to trust that I actually have the strength to deal with whatever happens to me.

But when I do accept it, it lends me some kind of strength.  Knowing, for instance, that by going through difficult times and weathering pain, I can become stronger.
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Why Relationships Suck [18 Feb 2007|02:14pm]
I've gotten really sick of having boring, conventional, unfulfilling relationships lately, so I've been putting a lot of thought into what makes them crappy, and how that might be changed.  I made a list of things that are common relationship factors, beliefs and behaviors, which I think obstruct our favorable experience of them.  The general list are things that apply in all relationships, and then I've made lists of stereotypes for specific relationships, too--romantic, friendships, family and work.  I'm not suggesting here that all of us buy all of these stereotypes and beliefs, but they all seem pretty common to me.

This post focuses on the problems, and the next one will focus on some possible solutions.

Please feel free to comment with your own observations--additional problems, disagreements with anything I've written, etc.  And if you can think of your own solutions to these problems, post them and I'll work them in to the next post!  Especially solutions which you've already successfully implemented in your life.

  • belief that we can't choose what we feel, and that we can't deal with unpleasant emotions without someone else's help leads to the belief that we are responsible for someone else's emotion if something we did lead to them feeling that way.
  • addiction to what the other provides, whether it be attention, physical pleasure, emotional gratification and understanding, a listening ear, advice, etc.
  • Addiction leads to manipulation of the other person so that they feel obligated to give you what you want.  Such as, making them feel like you need it and they are the only one who can provide it.  This can lead to some guilt on your part, like you owe them gratification of their own desire in return.  Thus both parties end up feeling obligated to provide one another with a service.  Thus losing freedom to not do those things, or to do other things at the time and place now allotted for mutual addiction-satiation.
  • Fear that the other won't like us if we don't do what they want.  This basically comes down to addiction as well.  If they don't like us, they won't give us what we want.
  • There are certain culturally sanctioned expectations, restrictions and obligations that we link to relationships.  These are the "acceptable" ways to have our addiction to interpersonal interaction satiated.  But they take away our freedom, and the possibility for experience of true love, as much as any other addiction.  The following lists are culturally sanctioned expectations for various types of relationships.  Many of our traps come from the simple act of believing and following these social standards blindly, without being open to evidence that other ways might be more beneficial and more freeing.
None of these things are bad to do on occasion, but when they become mandatory obligations, we get ourselves into a trap.  These things seem positive, and are when they come from the selfless, sincere heart.  When one gives them out of true love, expecting nothing in return.  But we don't truly do that very often.  It takes a lot of work to be able to experience true, selfless love, and we aren't shown how to do that work, or what true love really is, in this culture.  We might try to do these things out of sincere love at first, and then later do them because we decided to previously, and thereby not take the time to search the soul to find out what action--or non action--is most appropriate this time, for the personal growth of all parties involved.  This is a particular danger in something like a marriage, in which there's a formal contract binding the partners.  Maybe it's possible to be relatively free within restriction, but the formal contract and all of its cultural expectations make that psychologically more difficult.marriage
  • have sex at least twice a week; the younger the couple is, the more often.
  • share property and finances
  • spend time in "quality" conversation
  • listen to each others' woes and emotional issues
  • not express sexual interest in anyone else
  • compromise a certain amount to keep each other satisfied with the level of satiation of addiction that they are receiving
  • hold the other to be the most important person in one's life
  • conduct oneself as if one is the most important person in the other's life, and one is responsible for the other's peace of mind
  • have kids
  • get angry if obligations aren't met by the other
  • not be interested in marrying if the other doesn't show potential to meet obligations
  • always be there for one another
  • give one another gifts that are especially thoughtful
  • remember anniversaries and other special dates, and consider them important
  • there are different expectations for women and men...\
  • one is expected to get married by the time one is 30
romance
  • treat one another as if most important people in each other's lives
  • guy is expected to be dominant--treats girl as if special and is always thoughtful of how she's fragile, complements her appearance, pays for her dinner, movie tickets etc.
  • girl expects guy to treat her as if special and fragile; if he doesn't, is upset and considers him not thoughtful enough, or questions her own looks and worth.
  • sex, after an acceptable time period
  • monagamy
friendship
  • spend time with one another
  • validate the other's thoughts and emotional state
  • be there for the other person (when one might need time alone, or with another friend, instead)
  • remember birthdays
  • give each other thoughtful gifts
work
  • hierarchy: supervisors tell employees what to do--employee must listen (even though often employee, after a certain amount of experience, knows how to do the job better than the supervisor)
  • people higher up in authority are considered more important, and paid better.  (even though every employee's job is equally needed to keep a company running.)
  • higher ups are expected to be treated with a certain amount of respect, not with the same familiarity with which one can relate to someone of the same station as oneself.
  • respect entails things such as treating higher-up as if they "know" better about many things
  • the lower in the hierarchy, the more expendable
  • apparently less "skill" in the jobs of those lower in authority
  • less skilled workers have less apparent psychological freedom to be themselves than those who are higher
  • opinions of lower workers are considered less valid and important, often not at all, even when it comes to their own work
  • work supposed to be most important and self-defining aspect of life
  • supposed to put work before personal growth, learning and relationships
  • making money more important that personal freedom, health, relationships, learning, etc.
  • following rules to the letter more important than putting heart into work
  • certain jobs considered more important, conventional, giving one higher societal status than other jobs
  • there's a finite set of conventional careers that one can consider
  • certain jobs apparently won't make one any money
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echoes from the hinterlands [22 Jan 2007|06:42pm]
Lots of time has past since I last wrote here. Lots of miles have been covered. Lots of decisions have been made, and even more put off for later. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I still would rather not grow up in the first place. I feel a little bit too grown up for my own good even now. This whole world is too grown up. These times are too heavy and solemn. I hope to bring some light of the heart into this dark world. Bring a new meaning to the words "grown up", so I don't feel ashamed to fit that description anymore.




I'm in New Haven, at work in a bookstore with very few customers--where I have ample time to surf the Web. Right now I'm missing Kung Fu class because I agreed to stand in for my friend Nick tonight, because he couldn't find anyone else to do it. I worked from 7-4 at my other job, at the bakery in a health food store, and started here at 4:20 today; I'll be here till 10. I don't mind it, especially since it's so relaxed at night here. I would like to be in class better, but this won't happen often. It's snowing outside. Later I'll leave and walk the 6 or so blocks back to my small room in a large victorian house in New Haven't ghetto area. Where I'll go to sleep, only to get up and come back here at 9:30 tomorow morning.

I like this sort of work, for now, because it gives me something to do all day, and it's some sort of security because I have bills to pay.

Ack! The sentence above is so mundane. Its banality freaks me out.

It's the expression of a life boiled down to its bare, physical components. The small rocks in the midst of a giant whirling storm. Who knows where it will be when it dies down. IF it dies down. Maybe it's like the red eye on Jupiter. Spinning there for at least 400 years. Impressions, thoughts, feelings, longings, visions, dreams, impulses, memories. What are they? Everyone has them, don't they? What's the purpose? Is this all we are? This loose collection of materials?

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't have a basis on which to write a journal entry. None of these things feel like me. The vortex is collapsing and scattering.




I'm not sure what I want to do with my future. I've become disillusioned, sort of. With our ways of being and relating in this world. "Society". What is it? What's the point? Why are we living here? "Work". "Money". "Power over others". "Fame". "Sex". Are those the reasons? How come I don't really care?

I don't have any strong goals anymore. I enjoy my martial arts classes, so I keep going. Work's OK, so I keep going. I enjoy interacting with people, playing with them and serving them. I come home and meditate every night. Sometimes long, sometimes not. I focus on stretching my body and feeling its energy flow. Relaxing to allow the energy to flow in an ever more natural pattern. It's so distorted from the natural pathways, the ways in which it evolved to flow. It feels so much better every day when I give it my attention. Even just that, the simple act of giving it my attention, makes it feel warm, happy, glowing. Smiling. Have you ever felt a smile in a part of your body other than the face?

I love my family. My cousins, aunts, uncles, parents and brother. Maybe I'll move to be closer to them. Maybe I'll go back to school, finish my degree. In what though? What can I offer the world? Where will my efforts be most needed?

I keep seeing that the root of all of our problems in this world is the part of us that is grasping, greedy and afraid of change. The part that relies stubbornly on thought in all situations. The part that's stuck on one identity for us, thinking that's all we are. Afraid to let it go because we're afraid of the emptiness that might lie beyond. This, they say, leads to our desire to acquire ever more, to keep things for ourselves and from others, to climb high above others in the hierarchy of this world.

Let me tell you, letting go of that part of ourselves is terrifying. It's facing the fear of death itself. But if it's what we must do to save this world, if it's the best way I can offer myself to everyone, then...I hope I can have the courage, someday, to jump off that cliff. Not for me, but for everyone and everything.

They say we're all headed there, eventually, anyway.
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ego [24 Nov 2006|11:52pm]
eadings, I've gathered that the ego is the collection of thoughts, which each of us has, regarding who we are and  which we believe to be our selves.  These thoughts are such things as, "I can't run very fast."  "I like sushi."  "I am a hippie."  "I need my friends to be polite."  Most of us are unconscious of most of these thoughts, and of the fact that they are just thoughts, feeling as if they were some kind of physical, concrete THING making whatever they state into a permanent fact.

The original thought upon which the ego is founded is the thought "I am", the thought that each of us is an entity separate from everything else.  This old Indian dude Ramana Maharshi says that if you sit quietly and focus on the thought "I am" for a while you'll recognize that it's just a thought, and not objective reality, that you're separate.  Once you are conscious of that, you can transcend your ego and you become "self-realized" or "enlightened", which means that you know and experience that you are one and the same as everything else in the universe.

The reason one might want to transcend the ego is not because it's inherently "bad" any more than anything else in the universe; but because most of us mistake that collection of thoughts that comprises the ego for our Selves, and thus limit our self-expression to things that correspond with those thoughts.  Because those thoughts don't actually dictate what happens, it's possible to do something that contradicts a thought, which leads to anxiety-laced feelings percieved as self-betrayal or not being oneself.  "I am shy." "I can't do math."  "I stick to what is sensible."  "People who drive slow make me angry."  Because we've mistaken these thoughts for our selves, we become really attached to them and don't want them to pass on, because, we fear, that would mean that we'd lose a part of ourselves.  We spend lots of energy preserving these thoughts for years and years out of fear of death.  But the nature of thoughts is to be very transient, and in reality it's unnecessary for us to preserve any of these thoughts in order to continue existing.  (Supposedly we can also find out that our [also transient] physical forms are not our true selves, either.)  When we preserve and try to stick to our thoughts about "who we are", we severely limit our own freedom: if someone, for instance, thinks that she's the kind of person who likes to wear only black stretch pants, and holds on to that thought for a while, that whole time she's not allowing herself to try wearing anything else and enjoy it.

Of course, realizing who you really are and finally letting go of all those thoughts leads to such revolutionary and dangerous things as seeing that most of our societal structure is pointless, and that there are much better things to do than work and buy stuff all day, such as....sitting on a park bench and       just            BEING.  Or whatever you "feel like" doing.  You're free and the universe is your playground.

Once you're at that point, I suppose, all thought is completely optional and under control.  And you don't mistake your thoughts for your self.  In fact, you are aware of your true Self, which, they say, is pure Consciousness, and the whole universe is composed of it.  Some say that once you're aware of this, you can percieve that the entire structure of the universe is formed of thoughts arising in this field of pure Consciousness, just as the structure of our percieved ego is thoughts arising in our consciousness.  And supposedly, once you're aware of that, you can manipulate those thoughts to do such things as materialize fruit or be in two places at once.  They also say that holding on to such thoughts as "I want to be able to do amazing, magical things" is enough of a shred of ego that one won't be able to make the leap of realization required for enlightenment.

You can also (without being aware yet of the nature of your true Self) look at each individual thought in your ego, and knowing the transitory nature of thoughts, let go of it, change it or keep it to suit your purposes.  I think this is the goal of most forms of conventional psychology.  Many people transform their egos into amazing works of art this way.  As Adam mentioned, we can run into certain problems when our egos don't correspond with "reality", and have more success when our egos include more optimism than pessimism.  As an example, I used to have the thought that I couldn't catch a football.  Maybe some of you remember the day when Stephe decided to plant the thought in my mind that I COULD catch a football, and then I proceeded to catch nearly every throw directed at me for the rest of the game (and most of the games after that, too).  I know many of you have probably had similar experiences, courtesy of Stephe!  Another benefit of playing sports with him is that he constantly makes fun of students for the silly things we do.  On the one hand, we often react to this with hurt feelings and anger, but on the other hand, we learn to recognize and face our failings, accept them and deal with them if necessary, instead of trying to cover them up and compensate for them.  This is a good step in the direction of a healthy and realistic sel
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looooking for a place to stay [05 Oct 2006|05:52pm]
Anybody want to move to Connecticut with me and study martial arts? And have a really fun house together?
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a moment in the life of... [13 May 2006|12:17am]
My friends just took apart a whole bag of oreos to make a frosting ball, then reconstruct them and eat them.

Unfortunately they ran out of cookie before they ran out of frosting. There's quite a bit of frosting left.

Now they're trying to convince each other to eat the rest of the frosting ball.

They also ate quite a bit of ice cream.

They're laughing maniacally (is that a word?) on the floor. "We ate all of those cookies. ALL OF THEM! And there's still SO MUCH frosting left!"
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Whew! [15 Mar 2006|10:30pm]
I made a decision. Bet you didn't even know this was bothering me. It's partly why I go for such long periods without writing anything here. Part of me just wants to write whatever the hell I feel like, what happened to me today, and stuff like that. Another part of me wants to write highly polished stuff--poetry, rants and essays that have been edited until they are entirely coherent, etc. These two parts of me are fighting. Sometimes one wins for awhile, then the other takes over, and is embarrassed by the accomplishments of the other half.

So I'm starting another blog for the polished stuff. This is just me, rough and uncensored.


(later)
NOT--I'm just making all the personal entries "friends only".
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;P [07 Dec 2005|01:33am]
"Suffering is an unnecessary aspect of the human experience. It is not only unnecessary, it is unwise, uncomfortable, and hazardous to your health."
--God, Conversations with God
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[29 Nov 2005|08:12pm]
i beat myself up so much that i can't do anything. can't express affection because i don't feel like i'm worthy of even showing other people that i like them. all because of one little thing: i really like a guy and i'm afraid to talk to him.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!

this is hell.
3 comments|post comment

yaaay me [18 Nov 2005|01:21am]
It's a test, a challenge set before me. It's one that I've failed multiple times before. To not restrict myself. To let myself flow, to express whatever wants to come out.

Sometimes I'm afraid to be awesome.

Passing the test doesn't involve just completing a certain action--I've done that before. I have to do it just right--pass the test with flying colors or I don't pass at all!

I jumped off the cliff once already. It was scary. Now I've just gotta do it and enjoy it the whole way down.

Haha I'm such a dumbass. I like feeling like a crazy little kid because, really, I am one. That's when life is the funnest. It's really funny too when I screw up the easiest little things. Then I have an excuse: "Hey who cares, I'm five years old." I really think looking at people's age in years and assuming that there's a correlation between that and emotional maturity is totally ridiculous. That leads to people expecting 23-year-olds to do things like, for instance, not run down the aisles in supermarkets barefoot. And then when certain 23-year-olds break those expectations, some people get really upset and offended. "You should know better!" Well obviously if I "knew better" I wouldn't be doing it, would I? It would make more sense to think something like, "Haha crazy little kid" or something with a similar meaning ("She's really a five-year-old at heart...").

Anyway, there really are a bunch of ways in which I am still a five-year-old, or even younger, and one of them is in relating to boys that I really like: what I end up doing is acting psycho and harrassing them, and being hyper and nervous, instead of...anything more satisfying to me.
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somewhere behind the clouds the sun is shining and anyway, the clouds are neat. [16 Nov 2005|02:17am]
I'm in love with someone
but whenever I talk to him
my brain falls out of my head!
silly me...

What is love anyway?
If it means attachment, possession, obligation, wanting, waiting, having, self-consciousness and doubt
.....
BLECH
give me a barf bag!
I've had enough of that.
"Love" is a fucking lie.

I want to find out what REAL love is!

Send me some courage
cuz I'm afraid to express...whatever it is...
and it wants to burst out of me.

domo arigatou gozaimashita.
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what's this all about eh? [12 Nov 2005|03:35pm]
Ever notice how we learn to do so many things in ways that just don't make sense, from people around us--"society" for want of a better word?

I'm just learning now that pretty much everything I've learned about relationships throughout my life--things people have told me, things I've learned from the examples of others--is totally useless and just makes things HURT!

I don't think life is designed to work that way.

Here is a list of myths about relationships that a friend and I thought of just now. It's really long. Think while you're reading it: have you noticed these things and how they've affected you? What other things can you think of that we've missed? Have you found a better way of going about relationships in your life?

The List (with some commentary)

There is a magic person out there, and if you find 'the one' they will complete you
A romantic relationship will add a special 'magic' and 'fire' to your life that nothing else will
A romantic relationship is the most intimate way you can connect with someone
And there are all these things that we are taught to look for from the other person that "prove" that they love us

As if love could be proved
or needed to be!

You can only love one person at once
and if you love someone else, it means you didn't really love the first person--
you have to choose!
Once you love someone, you own them,
they are yours!
And you are theirs!

Doesn't that sound romantic?
be mine!

love is forever = the physical relationship is forever
the magic person will make you happy
happiness is something that comes from the magic person
you're always waiting for that person to make you happy
and they're probably doing the same thing to you
if the magic person dies, ends up with someone else, goes away, etc, you must suffer, and be miserable, and experience a deep melodramatic emotionalism
for a long time
before you can "get over it"
and you feel like you're not worthy or something because you're not loved

There are different "leagues" and you can only love people who are in your league.
There are some people who are too good for you, and others whom you are too good for.
For women, it's most important that they be sexual, and look like britney spears
And for men, they must make a lot of money, be really materialistic, and be willing to fight other guys to defend their ego.
When you find your magic person you have to make this binding promise that you'll be together yourwhole life to protect each other from uncertainty of what might happen to the relationship

Sex totally = love
physical sex is the highest point of love
and if the magic goes away once you're with the magic person, you're fucked
which is what happens to most people.
People are objects which only one person can possess at a time!
If you love someone else, then you've betrayed the other person you loved
and you spend much of your time afraid that the other person will love someone else as well and leave you.
If they love someone else, it means you're losing your special possession
so you have to control their emotions.
It's an insult to your worth as a person
a blow to your ego.

If you're attracted to other people, it means you've done something wrong, and you must repress your own feelings.
You can only be attracted to the magic person, and all other people must cease being attractive to you.
If you are attracted to someone else, and if you even think about interacting with them in any affectionate way, you must feel very guilty.
Shame is really important.
You should always shame yourself into being the right way!
You can only give of yourself to one person
and you should do everything with that person, be with them all the time.
There shouldn't be anyone else in your life with whom you have as substantial an emotional connection
of the same gender at least
you can have other friends of the same gender, but not the gender that the special person is
unless your gay, then it's the opposite.

And other friends aren't nearly so important, they're mostly just there to support you in finding and maintaining that romantic relationship.
the romantic relationship will be the final thing in your life which fulfills you and completes you
ending any sort of desire for future relationships or experiences
and you should get married, settle down, have kids, and then be really materialistic.
Buying lots of things, even all kinds of things you don't need.
You should create a need for them
and go golfing
and make more money, so that you can consume even more!

And then you should be anxious and worry all the time, because responsible people are always worrying
you express your love in the form of THINGS
worrying about how they'll get more things, and keep the things they have
if you don't give your loved ones certain things you don't really love them.
The greatest way you can tell someone you love them, is to buy them an expensive diamond ring.
It's your duty to buy lots of things for them
and it's their duty to provide sex to you
and if you ever don't feel like having sex with them, it means you don't love them.

It's your duty to support the other person emotionally
you must become totally involved in all their emotional battles
and listen to all their problems.
If they are worried about something, you must be worried about it too
if they are upset, you must be upset too, or it means you don't love them.
They should be able to take all their emotional sustenance from you.
You should really function as one person
like this big amoeba
that is emotionally and spiritually and physically linked at every level.

Independence is a sign of lack of commitment.
You should always be thinking of and considering the other person in every decision you make.

(man, there are a lot of these
our society really screws us over with this stuff
we could go on forever!)

That old view of relationships causes CONSTANT suffering and anxiety
constant mental activity to maintain.
I've had enough of those--
you're always thinking trying to figure out how to do things exactly right
to produce the desired response
and trying to figure out if that person actually feels exactly how you want them to
it's a hideous game
two selves competing
not a love relationship but a WAR!!
a contest of interests
the other person feels more like your enemy than your friend
you are strategizing, trying to predict and counter and such
sooo much suffering
you reach this point where you can't imagine living with the person, or without them

sick relationships are like any other addiciton
we live in an addictive society
people sugar drugs alcohol computers tv work .... pretty much everything out there can easily be an addiction
there's a huge spiritual void at the heart of america
created mainly by unchecked capitalism and consumerism
supermaterialism
ech, it's sickening

someone in AA once told me that people suffer from Magic Person Syndrome
you just have to find the magic person to complete, and everything will be OK
sounds like something a five-year-old might say...
like we're taking relationship advice from five-year-olds!


How have these things affected you? How can we make them better?


(my friend) was driven to drugs at a young age out of feelings of isolation, loneliness, helplessness, emptiness..
it was really the collective spiritual sickness of our culture bearing down on me
so many people have those feelings and they're just called "mentally ill" or something
I was so young
I was powerless, it was such a greater force than me
I didn't have the spiritual tools I have now to fend it off
it just overcame me
we are so fortunate to have finally come across those tools
they literally have saved my life
the spiritual black hole of this country and this society really sucked me in and spit me out
and it really made me suffer, and I was always looking for a way out
a way for things to be right
things felt really wrong, I felt really out of place
I thought drugs could save me
but they only fueled the fire
ultimately spiritual principles were what saved me
taught me to separate myself from it
and all the great teachers I have had in my life!


(we) have a vision of a much freer, more independent, more mature relationship between two individuals
with spirituality as the basis
and a life that balances not on one person, but on a network of many
with the real dependence taken from the higher power, the true self
it is so exciting to realize and experience that things can really be that way...

Byby insanity!
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why does this happen? [12 Nov 2005|01:48pm]
how wonderful
when you look into someone's eyes
smiling
shining like the sun
sharing joy love peace

and then

you look into someone else's smiling eyes

and what do you see

but the same entity
shining back at you
as you saw
in the first person's eyes
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Day 6 of fasting [26 Oct 2005|05:32pm]
I decided to go on this 7 day fast in which all I do is drink water, tea, and a mixture of psyllium husks and bentonite clay. Which turned out, by the 4th day, to be pretty hard to choke down. But I've learned now how to do it without gagging.

Psyllium husk scrapes all the gunk from your intestines, and bentonite, through its enourmous negative charge, attracts all the positively-charged toxins in your body to it, and subsequently, out they go.

Maybe I'll discuss what prompted me to do this some other time. Right now, I don't feel like it.

Which is what happens after you eat for 6 days, you pretty much don't feel like doing anything.

My body doesn't feel like keeping itself warm anymore.

Despite all that, I'm kinda frustrated with the whole concept of eating. It took so much energy and time. I feel like there are much better things I could be doing. But I don't know how to keep my body running without eating yet.

Someday.
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FASTING IS FUN!!!! [21 Oct 2005|02:40pm]
Not.
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update on my life [10 Oct 2005|09:14am]
I'm still loving Kung Fu. I don't know why. It's gritty, tough work, takes lots of practice, and beats down my ego, because I'm bad at it. Not to mention that the other students and the teacher make fun of everyone all the time. I have to get used to the fact that I'm a raw beginner, that's all there is to it. I know nothing about fighting. There's no way I can be naturally "good" at it, the way it seemed like I was with so many other things. I won't even be remotely OK at it for a few years, probably. The teacher shows us moves and I don't get them. I practice strikes and kicks only to be corrected over and over again. Stephe the teacher watches me and says, flatly, "No. You're doing it wrong." That's all there is to it.

My ego can't handle it. It hates it. It's losing the battle for my soul, fast. It tries to convince me that these people are mean, that I should maybe leave, go somewhere where people are always telling me what a good job I'm doing.

But hahaha! I still love it here. No matter how much my ego smarts. Out of the calm within me somewhere comes reassurance that this is where real learning enters in. This is where...somehow...this is the only place to be. This is the School of Life. With actual Help in Learning Real Life Lessons from Wiser Individuals. It feels more like real "school" than anything I've done since Waldorf. Maybe even since kindergarten.

And anyway, my mind tells me when I let it, it's not like anyone's REALLY mean here at Silent Dragon. The teasing is affectionate, though it touches right on each individual's points of conflict or weaknesses. Everyone gets teased, not just me. Stephe tells everyone when they're wrong. And I'm the newest person in class, so of course I'm bad at it.

And I love it. I can't imagine myself anywhere else. I love doing lots of hard excercise and learning to withstand pain and train my body and reflexes and mind. I'm learning How Things Really Are. Not some abstract theories or "facts" and how some dude a long time ago came up with them. Not having my thoughts and the thoughts of others judged for their validity according to someone else's view of how people should look at the world. I'm learning about anatomy and physics and psychology the only way one can truly learn about them: by TESTING them, over and over again, myself, bodily.

I wonder why I've always wanted to learn martial arts. Somehow this desire filtered into me when I was very young. At the age of three I created a whole imaginary country of people with square heads, who were warriors, and I was their king. I remember wanting to learn karate when I was six. And again later. Why? Where did I get this idea? Why did I feel like it would be such an important addition to my education? Everything I heard about how martial arts is often taught appealed to me. The master sternly teaching the student humility, discipline, respect, care for the body, responsibility, perseverence and honor. How did I even know anything about those aspects of martial arts teaching when I was a little kid? Beats me.

Anyway, I was right.

I don't want to go back to college, to those wimpy, nebulous no-one-really-knows-anything classes! But if I do, I know what I'll focus on. Science. That's the subject in Western education that seems to me to be closer to reality than all those other wussy subjects. I decided that my major at Antioch was going to be Western science and the study of other parallel worldviews, the "science" of, for example, the Chinese, Native Americans and Africans. I didn't pick any specific group of people to focus on yet, but of course I'm particularly interested in the Chinese and Native American world views. Indigenous worldviews and "shamanism" are very interesting, as well as those from "civilized" areas other than those under European influence, like China and India (what else?).

Is there a school around HERE where I can study, while still going to Silent Dragon, and pursue the same major I'd created for myself at Antioch?

I'd also like to get into some kind of humanitarian thing, eventually. That is, I want to learn more about caring and loving and healing, to contrast with my study of the "hard" science of martial arts. But I'm not going to college for that, no way! I want to learn from a real teacher. A Master.

Hey life is good!
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quotes [10 Oct 2005|08:40am]
Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you stop investing it with "Selfness", the mind loses its compulsive quality, which basically is the compulsion to judge, and so to resist what is, which creates conflict, drama, and new pain.  In fact, the moment that judgement stops through acceptance of what is, you are free of the mind.  You have made room for love, for joy, for peace.  First you stop judging yourself; then you stop judging your partner.  The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way.  That immediately takes you beyond ego.  All mind games and all addictive clinging are then over.  There are no victims and no perpetrators anymore, no accuser and no accused.  This is also the end of all codependency, of being drawin into somebody else's unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue.  You will then either separate--in love--or move ever deeply into the Now together--into Being.  Can it be that simple?  Yes, it is that simple.

Love is a state of Being.  Your love is not outside; it is deep within you.  You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you.  It is not dependent on some other body, some external form.  In the stillness of your presence, you can feel your own formless and timeless reality as the unmanifested life that animates your physical form.  You can then feel the same life deep within every other human and every other creature.  You look beyond the veil of form and separation.  This is the realization of oneness.  This is love.

What is God?  The eternal One Life, underneath all the forms of life.  What is love?  To feel the presence of that One Life deep within yourself and within all creatures.  To be it.  Therefore, all love is the love of God.

--Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now
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sort of lonely [10 Oct 2005|08:21am]
On this dark, overcast day
Alone in this living room that I call home.

I wish there was a friend nearby who I could call on when I was lonely.
"Hey wanna hang out?"
Yeah.

Spending time in an intermittent state of social akwardness is NO FUN. Intermittent because when I coax and coach myself enough, I push those boundaries and begin to break free. But lazy me. Most of the time I'm waiting for someone else to appear, someone who magically loves me enough to pull me out of my shell.

Things don't work that way. I know it. It's no use to count on someone appearing to help me. I am the only one who can truly do this for myself. I've been so lucky that someone did this for me before. What are the chances that it'll happen again? Very slim.

Living with Chickenmonkey boy, I couldn't get enough space. All I wanted was to be on my own. When I had the chance to hang out with others, I was too burned out, drained of all interest in other people. Now I'm out of practice. I lived with that boy for a YEAR! Now there are a lot of people around me whom I like, who I'd really love to hang out with, but I don't know how to make friends anymore.

Chickenmonkeyboy visited me for five days last week. It took so much energy out of me. He had lots of grumpiness built up in him from jetlag and crappy living situation in Japan and at home. Whenever I'm around him I feel like I'm holding the weight of his unhappiness. It's very tiring. I don't want to live with him for awhile. But he's pushing me so hard to live with him again. He wants to get a job and an apartment here and study martial arts as well. A while ago, I would have been so happy that he wanted to, as well. But now, I just wish he could be independent. I don't want to give him all of my attention anymore! He's such a sweet boy. I will always love him. But I don't want to be his mom. I don't want to be addicted to him or him to be addicted to me. I want to be able to free my love, spread it among everyone I meet!

Relationships are weird.
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why am I here? [23 Sep 2005|04:25pm]
[ mood | high ]

My first night at Antioch, I was so excited I couldn't sleep. Excited at the prospect of...I knew not what. I left my room, left my dorm, headed out into the warm, humid night, into the sound of chirping crickets and croaking frogs. I sauntered about slowly, looking for...something, I knew not what. I found a boy hitting a flagpole with a stick. What could he be doing? Well, no harm in asking him.

"I'm practicing kung fu," he said.

Kung fu??! I had always been interested in martial arts. And so this boy talked to me for a while longer. He spoke magical words of fun and challenge and human potential, honor and mysticism, superhuman teachers, a group of Antioch friends who practiced Kung Fu together. Everything I'd always sought, but never quite believed existed. In that moment, I knew I had come to the right place, because...I had come there for THIS! I would learn Kung Fu here, I decided, from this boy and his friends.

In the following weeks, I met some of his friends (Chickenmonkeyboy was one), and began to learn a some martial arts, and about subtle energy and meditation. And I was so excited, so in love with these things that I was learning. But gradually that rosy glow wore off. None of the classes I took at the college itself were as wonderful as all of these new things I wanted to learn. And my new friends, though sincere, dedicated students, weren't teachers, and had their own, busy lives as Antioch students as well. Chickenmonkeyboy, in particular, with whom I quickly began to spend most of my time, was depressed, unhealthy, and very negative for much of the time. I sunk very suddenly and unexpectedly into a state of depressed anxiety.

And I've spent much of my time since then in that state, shifting about the country and the world, searching for a place where I could be happy again, where I could learn something and be truly excited about it once again.

I've thought about this many times, but for some reason--I thought either I wasn't ready, wasn't mature enough, didn't have enough money, wasn't wise enough, whatever--to come here. That is, to come to Silent Dragon, the kung fu school of which that boy long ago at Antioch spoke to me. Why did I think all those things? Well the money thing was true. But I had even met the teacher, and he told me over and over again that he'd love to have me at Silent Dragon.

Now I'm finally here.

Why?

To be here.

That's all.

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